Andrew sat uncomfortably in my office the first time, seeming anxious and out of place. Friendly enough, he came off physically guarded with clipped sentences. Only later in our relationship therapy sessions would I come to learn that his speech and presentation, pressured and fast, were an adaptation to a life of severe emotional abuse. All at the hands of a narcissistic mother who criticized Andrew incessantly since he was a child. Nothing was ever good enough. School performance, grades, and dating success were all scrutinized and harshly judged to be insufficient and not pleasing.

With his anxiety off the charts most of the time, Andrew learned that excessively striving to please his mother was the only way to feel ok. When we met in therapy, his descriptions of this abuse were urgent and disturbing. It was almost as if he still had his mother living inside his head, and trying as he might, he couldn’t shake himself free of her scolding voice. It was painful to witness just how real and present she would become during his descriptions of past events that included her.

How Do Parents Influence Their Child’s Beliefs?

Early on, he’d made the only choice he’d been capable of as a child: he let her in. He internalized her. Psychologists call this process “introjection”. Parental introjects are internalized beliefs, attitudes, rules, and emotional responses that a person adopts from their parents (or other significant caregivers) during development. These internalizations often operate unconsciously. They shape how someone thinks about themselves, others, and the world. These dire, self-limiting beliefs had been a part of Andrews’ psychology for 57 years.

In constant therapy for most of his life, Andrew had been seeking a way to cast off this burdensome “internal messaging”, longing to, but never able to feel “good enough”. In her excellent book “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?” Dr. Karyl McBride describes maternal narcissism and how it can result in persistent issues for a child into adulthood. Including low self-esteem, people-pleasing, perfectionism, and internalized shame, often through destructive parental introjects. I was glad Andrew found me after the death of his previous therapist. He needed support. He needed his pressured speech to be understood. And he needed a way to begin reconstructing personal boundaries that had long since been trampled by his very unhappy mother.

What Factors Can Affect A Child’s Development of Self-Concept?

Babies have porous boundaries. By necessity and design, they “let us in” out of hunger and an instinctual desire for warmth and safety. So tender and vulnerable, a young child is cared for and attended to every moment if they are lucky. When the biological moment strikes, when the urge to poop or pee should arise, they just go with it! What was in becomes out! They thrive on touch from loving caregivers and hungrily ingest their mother’s milk or formula constantly.

Words of love and affirmation (or scolding if unlucky) enter their ears without a filter or choice. What was out becomes in! Babies soak up their environment sponge-like. Their boundaries must be porous to ensure the best chances at survival. We learn as babies to attach in the best way possible. Early in our lives, we make decisions based on the world and those who care for us. Attachment patterns form in the first days, some researchers suggest, in utero.

How Does Adversity Affect Child Development?

We hope that this early life circumstance of openness and vulnerability is filled with the most positive, nourishing input possible. Cooing, praise, and loving gestures connect the parents to the child and vice versa. A bond is formed through this exchange. We hope that parents and caregivers are kind, emotionally stable, and adequately self-regulated. Of course, in life, that’s not always the case. Experiences of adversity such as poverty, neglect, parent infidelity or divorce, drug abuse, and mental illness can dysregulate individuals and families. In turn, this creates patterns of attachment based more on survival than on thriving. We can begin to view the world through a lens of “safe/not safe”. Andrew was not safe in his mind, even though his wife and children formed a loving home. Despite his considerable wealth gained from a personal style of relentless pursuit of perfection and a “never quit” mentality.

What Is The Role of Schema Therapy In Relationship Counseling?

In my anxiety and depression practice in Delray Beach, I often employ a framework called Schema Therapy. This approach was developed by Jeffrey E. Young to treat personality disorders, long-term depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. It has much to offer an individual like Andrew, who struggles with shallow boundaries brought forward from when he was a child. In the language of Schema Therapy, Andrew’s behavior falls into a category known as “unrelenting self-standard”.

Unrelenting self-standards, often tied to perfectionism or internalized parental expectations, can carry a heavy cost across many areas of life. Psychologically, according to Young, they lead to various issues. These include chronic anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, impostor syndrome, and burnout. The child or adult feels they are never good enough, and success brings little satisfaction because the goalposts keep moving. Emotionally, there’s often a persistent sense of emptiness, guilt, shame, and difficulty experiencing joy.

Vulnerability is seen as weakness, making it hard to connect authentically with others. Relationally, these standards can cause tension, as they may be projected onto others through criticism or control. People may over-function in relationships. Trying to be perfect partners or friends, while hiding parts of themselves out of fear of being judged. Physically, stress can manifest in sleep problems, headaches, muscle tension, or digestive issues. Self-care is often neglected and may be seen as unearned or indulgent. Overworking is common.

What Starts A Trauma Bond As A Child Or Adult?

During one of our sessions, Andrew related a telling story about “trying to please the impossible”. After having earned a substantial bonus for the sale of yet another of his high-tech enterprises, he looked around for a new car. He reports subconsciously sensing that his shopping had a tinge of “impressing others.”

Eventually, he purchased a high-end American luxury car that turned out to be a seriously defective lemon. For a moment, he’d been proud of the car. Big. Shiny. Status symbol heavy. He felt good about himself. Until the doubt crept back in. Predictably, the first opportunity to share this accomplishment with his mother was met with derision and humiliation. She refused to ride in it with him. Subsequently, he hated the car every day he owned it.

Like a lightning rod, it somehow drew the fiery connection to his mother’s shaming criticism like a trauma bond, and he was never able to appreciate it. A trauma bond with an object happens when someone forms a strong emotional attachment or aversion to a physical item that is connected to a traumatic experience or to a person involved in that trauma. Trauma bonds are usually discussed in relationships. However, similar patterns can occur with objects that held emotional significance during distressing times.

The object might have offered comfort or a sense of safety during chaos or abuse, such as a childhood blanket or toy. It can also serve as a symbol of the person who caused harm, especially if it belonged to them or was given by them. Despite the negative association, the object becomes a link to unresolved hopes for love, repair, or meaning.

How Do You Break A Trauma Bond? Tips For Child And Adult Healing

For some, the object represents identity or continuity, especially if they experienced instability. Letting go of it can feel like losing a part of themselves. There may be anxiety, guilt, or grief around discarding or replacing it. These objects can provide a sense of control or connection, even if they also carry pain.

This kind of bond is complicated because the object can represent both harm and safety. As a child and family therapist in Delray Beach, I’ve recognized that healing often means recognizing the role the object played and understanding its emotional weight. Then, slowly building new sources of comfort, identity, and stability apart from it. During our work, it often felt as if Andrew was “welded” to the thoughts and memories of his mother in a way that was hopeless to break.

Why Do Adult Children Seek Validation From Parents?

Andrew also suffered from opportunity costs from living with unrelenting self-standards. His fear of failure caused procrastination and confusion around the impending sale of the most important of his businesses. Poised to reap the financial rewards of long-term success, Andrew was ambivalent about the sale. He experienced considerable “foot-dragging” as buyers dropped away. With luck and persistence, Andrew was able to see the parallels between this business sale and earlier life experiences. He’d been subconsciously trying to set up another “proud moment” with his family by pulling off a giant sale.

As we discussed in counseling, Andrew realized he never really wanted the sale. Only the praise he’d hope his mother would have heaped on him for becoming a millionaire. This kind of thinking distortion can cause missed chances for growth, and a lack of creativity or spontaneity. Life had become more about proving worth instead of living fully. Once again, Andrew is excited about his business and has continued to bring new, fresh ideas to our discussions.

What Is The Importance Of Setting Boundaries With Family?

Andrew has been bold and successful in creating new boundaries with his mother. An incident during the Spring high school graduation season was very telling. It helped Andrew recognize the freedom and serenity that can come from deciding what he’ll tolerate and what must be rejected.

His daughter had for a long time grown uncomfortable with Andrew’s mother. A budding social worker herself and a very bright student, she would point out unpleasant patterns to her dad after visits by her grandmother. She referred to her grandmother as a “narcissist”. Unbeknownst to Andrew, his mother would talk behind his back and disparage him to his daughter. Luckily, their father-daughter relationship endured. Despite his mother plying his daughter with gifts and privileges to get her on “her side”. His mother’s complaints were incessant. Even when Andrew and his family went to extraordinary lengths to accommodate and make the grandmother comfortable.

The proverbial “straw” that broke things came from Andrew’s daughter. Refusing to invite her grandmother to graduation, she stood her ground during family discussions. Eventually, Andrew accepted this new boundary. During a difficult phone call, he explained to his mother that a break was needed for everyone’s benefit, and visits would be suspended for a time.

How Can Relationship Therapy In Delray Beach Help? Insight From A Therapist

Healing begins with setting boundaries to encourage behavior change. It begins by recognizing and challenging these internalized standards and developing self-compassion. Creating new definitions of success, failure, and worth that are rooted in humanity, not perfection. It is also important to recognize the origins of these painfully self-limiting beliefs.

Andrew is breathing much easier in our sessions and reports great relief. He has given himself permission to enforce his boundaries between his mother and himself and his family. His speech has slowed perceptibly, and he suffers fewer periods of heightened anxiety. He reports that his experiences of “racing thoughts” have lessened, and he is enjoying his time with his family more than ever.

He is also experiencing, for the first time, some bouts of grief and sadness that he doesn’t fully understand. But this is to be expected when healing from family wounds. Andrew longed for a relationship with his mother. Since he was a child, he’d worked tirelessly to gain her goodwill and attention. While it was a poor and destructive relationship, it was to Andrew better than no relationship at all. He is now grieving the loss of that, which is an important step toward the opportunity to create a new relationship. If possible, one with strong, adult boundaries that are respected by all sides.

Set Boundaries You’ll Stick To By Working With A Child & Family Therapist In Florida

Whether you’re navigating parent-child dynamics, co-parenting challenges, or extended family pressures, setting clear, compassionate boundaries can make a lasting difference. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or unsure where to start, relationship therapy can provide the tools, support, and perspective you need. I encourage you to schedule a session with me at my Delray Beach therapy clinic. Here’s how:

• 1. Take the first step toward more respectful, connected relationships and schedule an appointment.
• 2. Break free from trauma bonds by working with an experienced child and family therapist.
• 3. Start setting healthy boundaries while developing a sense of self-compassion.

Explore Other Services I Offer In My Delray Beach Therapy Practice

If you’re struggling to set healthy boundaries in your relationships, therapy can offer a path toward clarity, confidence, and more balanced connections, especially with the guidance of a child and family therapist.

In addition to relationship counseling, I offer a wide range of therapeutic services in Florida to support your emotional and mental well-being. Whether you’re looking for in-person sessions or prefer the convenience of online therapy, I work with clients across many areas, including addiction treatment, couples counseling, and parenting coaching. I also address a broad range of issues, such as anxiety, trauma, infidelity, NPD, and more.

My services further extend to spiritual support, grief counseling for unexpected loss, and ADD/ADHD management. Each session is personalized using an integrative approach that may include EMDR, CBT, Gestalt, mindfulness, clinical hypnosis, and/ or psychodrama. To explore more resources or schedule a session, visit the John Davis Counseling blog or contact my office directly.

About The Author

John Davis is an experienced marriage, family, and relationship therapist whose practice centers on helping individuals and families heal from complex relational challenges. With a strong foundation in child and family therapy, John works with clients on issues such as parenting, mood disorders, impulse control, and PTSD, often incorporating trauma-informed methods like EMDR, psychodrama, CBT, and mindfulness.

His expertise in relationship therapy is reflected in his success with couples and families navigating high-conflict dynamics. As the Executive Director of the Mental Health Counselors’ Association of Palm Beach and a recipient of the 2020 Outstanding Community Service Award, John is widely respected in his field. His integrative, compassionate approach helps clients develop calm, clarity, and connection in their personal and family relationships, guiding them toward lasting emotional well-being.