Helping build great relationships through relationship therapy is most satisfying work. I like to think I’m doing just a little to make the world a more peaceful and just place. Each day I see couples in varying degrees of turmoil working for the same goals: peace at home, good friends, harmony with kids, a great sex life, balanced distribution of household, good relations with family, and on it goes. All of us want these things. Some couples are already living it, and it’s fascinating to work with the healthiest of them when a “tune-up” is needed.

In part one of “How to Have a Ridiculously Happy Marriage,” I wrote about stopping the criticism and asking for behavior change. This blog will focus on two more critical skills essential to robust mental health, relationship longevity, and satisfaction: fair fighting and communication that gets your needs met.

Fighting Fairly: Advice From a Relationship Therapist in Delray Beach

Let’s face it. All healthy relationships contain friction simply because we are different human beings striving inside a contained family system to get our needs met as much as possible by the other. I once sat before the legendary (and late) author/speaker Scott Peck, who wrote The Road Less Traveled and People of the Lie, at a weekend workshop in Pompano Beach. He had a great sense of humor and welcomed all of us forty-somethings with a challenge: “I know all of you are out there getting divorced,” he said. Uncomfortable laughter crossed the room. Not all of us were, but there was truth in his statement.

He described how “falling in love” comes to an end before we are ready. He went on to say that authentic marriage had a dual purpose: to provide friction and create children. By the former, he meant that in close intimacy, we encounter our ego, our pridefulness, and it is the overthrow of that pride that brings with it spiritual growth. We choose partners, yes, because at first we fall in love, but we also choose them based on our subconscious awareness of their potential to “rock our boat”, or “push our buttons”, or just simply get on our nerves and help us see the limitations of ego.

This is the stuff of change Scott Peck spoke about on that long weekend by the lake. He maintained that fighting, especially fighting fairly, was essential not only for the survival of the pairing but also critical for each of us in our long-term human development. And it takes great self-discipline and the ability to delay gratification in the service of a relationship.

Why is Fighting Fairly Hard?

We encounter our partners in close quarters, and emotions run high. The longer we’re together, the longer our list of dissatisfactions. When rested, well-connected, and healthy, it’s easy to have calm and deliberate conversations. We expect to hear occasionally how our partner might prefer we change. At its best, negotiation is fluent and, if we’re patient, we’ll both get much of what we want. It’s when our “cup has run dry” and fatigue is all over us that we tend to snap. Tension can build inside our homes if we forget to make time for lovemaking, “me time,” and quiet conversation. Especially conversations around big, tectonic topics related to our relationship and its future.

Alcoholics Anonymous has a great acronym for the kind of exhaustion that leads to relationship mistakes: HALT. As recovering addicts, we are taught to watch for these conditions as a precursor to relapse. “Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired” are conditions we should always be vigilant about, lest we act out in ways that damage our most precious relationships. It is not uncommon to hear both spouses report that in the conflict of their homes, they are exhausted and hungry, angry, lonely, and tired.

What Healthy Fighting in a Relationship Looks Like

Some important rules when fighting fairly are simple: no name-calling, no exit language, and no violence. Name-calling is self-explanatory. Terms like “idiot”, “bitch” and “asshole” are inflammatory. Delivered in anger, they make us feel powerful, but they are destructive and signal to our partner that we are lashing out, disregarding their safety, and dismissing negotiation. It’s my experience that abusive language like this is seldom forgotten and is likely to resurface in future quarrels.

“You are acting just like your father/mother!” are words you must never use. This is not only abusive to our partners but disrespectful to their families. Similarly, phrases like “You’re a narcissistic prick!” or “You’re completely borderline!” should be avoided as carefully as possible. Don’t be a therapist in your relationship. Diagnosing is an egregious mistake and can be traumatic.

It takes strong agreement on these rules for them to hold, and often, in my Delray Beach counseling practice, here is where we start. I call them “guardrails”. Agreeing to disagree peacefully is hard stuff. “I’m out of here!” is a battle cry one should never use. For one thing, it sounds pathetic, weak, and full of bluster. Threatening to exit the relationship is a hostile and emotional last resort and only serves to frighten our partner and fuel their anger and defensiveness. Taking a time out, on the other hand, is wise. When emotions run high, it’s often helpful to have an agreed-upon signal that we can cease talking temporarily and take a break, promising to return in hopes of progress.

Communication That Meets the Needs of Both Partners

The most common bad habit I see with relationships in need of repair is the urgency to talk at the same time, at an increased volume, without letting up. We’ve all done it. It’s possible to get so emotionally activated, especially in anger, that our restraint falls away, and we end up yelling at the top of our lungs, hoping we’ll be heard. This level of desperation is never helpful and usually only serves to create more distance and resentment from our partner.

The body holds the key here. Mindfulness is a simple trick that allows us to return attention to our bodies to “downregulate,” which is so helpful when we argue. Slowing down and stopping so that I can become more fully aware of the state of my body is one of the most valuable skills we can gain.

This is where we go when we call a timeout, breathing quietly. Gently focusing on each of our senses, especially our breath. Becoming progressively aware of sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell.

If we’ve practiced this skill in our own privacy, it is more likely to become available to me when I most need it. Amid strong emotions, we can return to these senses and slow down, reducing the likelihood that our words will hurt and wound. Yoga, Pilates, and meditation are rich resources from which to nourish these delicate skills. Slow down. Get more done.

The Impact of Active Listening

We are taught as children to speak in turn. I don’t know when we forget it, but it’s such a brilliant strategy that it deserves discussion. When we’re upset, it’s hard to remember to take turns. We want to be heard and understood NOW! We forget that our relationship is a dance of two. That my angry urgency is likely to be returned to me. That’s why yelling often ensues and makes us both feel bad. With practice, guidelines, and mutually respected boundaries, reciprocal communication can flourish between partners. The result is that each can feel truly heard and validated.

Once our partner has had this experience of “soulful” listening, trust can begin to grow. Then the likelihood of rich and engaged conversations can increase. This is especially important for large topics like sex, children, and finance. Often, couples begin counseling by arguing over small issues. Emptying the dishwasher comes to mind. Or who took the trash out last. Or you stay on your phone too long. It’s easier to talk about small stuff when our skill set is small.

When we don’t have the depth and resources to truly listen and understand, we argue the little things. Master therapist and speaker/author Hedy Schleiffer calls the alternative “crossing the bridge” into the world of the other. When we are truly ready to step aside and contain ourselves for our partner’s benefit, real listening happens. With humility and skill, what can follow is real intimacy.

If you or someone you love is longing for an intimate, safe, and nourishing experience with a partner, I can probably help. Text me or call 561-213-8030 or email me at jdlmhc@gmail.com. As an experienced relationship therapist in Delray Beach, I offer sessions virtually and in person in my Florida office.

Strengthen Communication Through Relationship Therapy in Delray Beach, FL

Creating a marriage filled with joy and connection takes more than love. It requires intentional effort, emotional awareness, and the willingness to grow together. Relationship therapy provides couples with tools to deepen intimacy, resolve conflict, and build habits that make happiness last. At my Delray Beach therapy practice, I help couples strengthen trust, improve communication, and nurture the foundation for a truly fulfilling marriage.

Here’s how you can take the next step toward building a ridiculously happy marriage:

• 1. Start learning skills that foster closeness, respect, and mutual support when you schedule a session.
• 2. Work with an insightful relationship therapist in Delray Beach to break unhealthy cycles and replace them with positive, lasting patterns.
• 3. Discover strategies that promote long-term happiness by creating a marriage grounded in love, laughter, and emotional safety.

Other Therapy Services I Provide in Florida

If your marriage feels weighed down by stress, conflict, or emotional distance, marriage and relationship therapy in Delray Beach can help you and your partner reconnect in a meaningful way. With the right tools and guidance, couples can improve communication, rebuild trust, and create the kind of deep, lasting bond that makes a marriage truly joyful.

Alongside therapy for marriage and relationship concerns, my Delray Beach, FL counseling practice provides a wide range of services to support overall mental and emotional well-being. I offer both in-person and online therapy sessions to accommodate different needs, working with clients on challenges such as addiction recovery, parenting stress, and couple communication. I also provide therapy for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), anxiety, trauma, and infidelity, along with other long-standing relational struggles.

Each session is tailored to the individual or couple, using an integrative approach that may include EMDR, CBT, Gestalt therapy, psychodrama, mindfulness, and clinical hypnosis. Additional services include grief counseling, spiritual exploration, and ADHD/ADD treatment. I invite you to visit my counseling blog for more resources and reach out to my office directly when you’re ready to book an appointment.

About the Author

John Davis is a seasoned marriage and relationship therapist in Delray Beach who focuses on helping couples strengthen their bond, resolve conflicts, and build lasting emotional intimacy. His foundation in child and family therapy gives him a unique understanding of how early relationship dynamics influence adult marriage patterns, allowing him to guide clients through deeply rooted challenges.

With a trauma-informed and integrative approach, John combines methods such as EMDR, CBT, mindfulness, and psychodrama to support couples working through struggles like communication breakdowns, emotional distance, or betrayal. He has also helped individuals and families address issues such as mood disorders, trauma recovery, parenting stress, and impulse control.

As Executive Director of the Mental Health Counselor’s Association of Palm Beach and a recipient of the Outstanding Community Service Award, John is recognized as a leader in his field. His compassionate, client-centered work empowers couples to rebuild trust, cultivate deeper connection, and create fulfilling marriages grounded in respect and clarity.