In my relationship counseling practice in Delray Beach, I see all kinds of partners working hard to stay grounded and balanced. Some are healthier than others, and honestly and sadly, some may not make it. Many couples seek my help for “discernment”, which is a process of evaluating where things stand, and critically, if there’s enough to keep them together. This usually happens in a crisis. They want to figure out if “it’s working” enough to count on a future.

Now and then, I get to work with high-performing couples who just feel different from the first session. There’s a buoyancy and an optimism coming from them that’s hard to explain, but it’s palpable and stands out whenever they show up. I’ve tried to observe what makes this happen. It’s fun to be with folks like this. Watching them closely over the years, I’ve stolen a few of their ideas. They’ve helped me create a short list of ways to make sure the odds are in your favor as a couple when you step before your relationship therapist, whether it’s for a simple maintenance check style “tune up” or you’re experiencing problems over and over that seem intractable. Here goes:

Stop with the Criticism Already

This is difficult, and many of us fail regularly. We all have wants and needs, and entering a marriage places pressure on getting those needs met in what feels like a very “small circle”. Ideally, we want our spouse to be responsive. We fantasize that they’ll meet our every need. And sometimes we need them to change. Sometimes there are things we just don’t like. Dale Carnegie, in his wonderful book How to Win Friends and Influence People, made it one of his cardinal rules for getting along with others and nourishing human relations. “Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain” appears as advice early in his book, and he relates some colorful anecdotes to make the point that criticism can make people defensive and resentful, and hinder the possibility of preserving goodwill.

Carnegie encourages us to start with empathy and to seek sincerely to see things from the other’s point of view. Difficult, I know, especially in the heat of argument. It is possible, though, and, done well, can add resiliency to our marriage. Master relationship builder and speaker Hedy Schleifer teaches an amazing weekend workshop (my wife and I have attended twice!), and she shows us how to ask for change from our partner. Leaving the criticism and condemnation behind, we simply make a Behavior Change Request. Sound simple? It’s not, and we’ve learned over the years together that it requires practice and vigilance and a high tolerance for failure. The heart of the exchange, no matter the issue, is to use “I-statements” to get my thoughts and feelings across.

What Does a Behavior Change Request Look Like?

Example: “When you raise your voice during discussions in front of our children, I feel sad and angry. I’m afraid you won’t be careful of our feelings. I feel disrespected, and I don’t like that. I know you’re trying hard to make them sturdy and well mannered, but can we slow it down next time and work together?” Of course, this is a made-up example, an abbreviation of statements in a typical scenario. The key is what I call “household diplomacy”.

Sometimes in the heat of arguing, it can feel impossible to slow down and take a more thoughtful approach. We feel urgent to get our point across, but we wind up battling for control of the moment. The main idea here is to interrupt a pattern of challenging our partner when we’re emotionally charged. It is painfully true that when two people are talking energetically at the same time, nothing is accomplished of any lasting value. When we are calmer and can breathe deeply before beginning, we ask the other if we can have an “intentional conversation”. This is shorthand for letting the other person know you’d like to have a structured talk with a purpose.

Quietly, (and of course, sober) with all the humility we can muster, we state our wants and needs with the positive and optimistic expectation that we’ll be listened to and respected. We tackle this a lot in my Delray Beach counseling office. Sounds simple, and the steps are. The effort to quell our emotions and work together is hard. But with some dedicated work, the results can be life-changing.

Pick Your Battles In Your Relationship

Scott Peck, in his groundbreaking book The Road Less Traveled, advises that we must endure the inevitable ending of a relationship period most widely known as “falling in love”. When we first meet, he says, it’s as if our minds and bodies have been taken over. They have. By an instinctual bonding magnetism designed by nature to make us cling together tightly and produce children. Yes, it’s an amazing experience. The starting point for all the great arts, especially music and poetry, and drama.

Along the way, usually after we produce children, a new reality sets in. Stresses in everyday life beset us. Busy days, and too short nights. Crying babies and too much work. Is it any wonder that it’s hard to get along and nurture romance in this phase?

A mentor I once had, Dr Ben Connelly, compared it to catching the flu. We’re wonderfully delirious for a time, but we must get over it! Success means we realize that we are married to a human being with wants, needs, shortcomings, and healthy boundaries.

We encounter a person who is in a bad mood (and sometimes has bad breath!), works too hard, maybe drinks too much, and doesn’t listen well. And those are the healthy ones! Just kidding. The important point here is that we must find the tools to not only survive but thrive. I call it “picking your battle”.

The Next Relationship Stage: From Longing To Growth

We will eventually find fault with our beloved and discover the myriad ways they annoy us. A style, a behavior, the way they speak to us. So many moments of awareness that we’ve not only lost our “love buzz,” but we just don’t like the other person! Usually, couples find my Delray Beach counseling practice somewhere in this period of disenchantment. It’s then that the real work of growth, relationship repair, and even spiritual development can occur.

Often, someone will sit down in front of me, exasperated, and confess there’s hardly anything left to love. That’s when I guide couples toward specificity. When did you last feel this way? Did something happen to crystallize this awareness for you? What was going on? Night? Day? Morning? Was everyone sober? Only then can we come back into the moment and deal with it effectively by keeping our focus on one simple issue at a time.

I warn “no kitchen-sinking,” and by that I mean that in spite of the fact that we’ve been counting flaws and unwanted behavior, we will be better off focusing with a narrow lens. When we remain determined to address issues with specifics and one at a time, we can gradually develop a relationship that is “current” and not backed up with resentments and hurt feelings. This is the beginning of finding peace and harmony.

Stay tuned for my next blog, which will be Part Two, where you’ll find even more ideas for creating a ridiculously happy marriage. In the meantime, I welcome you to call or text me at 561-213-8030 or email me at jdlmhc@gmail.com for support and guidance.

Build The Marriage You Long For Through Relationship Therapy in Delray Beach, FL

A joyful, fulfilling marriage doesn’t just happen. It’s built with intentional effort, shared understanding, and the right tools to keep your connection strong. Relationship therapy can help you and your partner improve communication, resolve recurring conflicts, and rediscover the joy that brought you together in the first place. At my Delray Beach therapy clinic, I create a safe space where couples can explore challenges, deepen trust, and strengthen emotional intimacy.,

Here’s how you can take the first step toward a ridiculously happy marriage:

• 1. Start learning the skills that keep love thriving for the long term. Book an appointment to begin our work together.
• 2. Discover tools for building trust, resolving conflict, and fostering lasting joy with the guidance of an experienced relationship therapist in Delray Beach, FL.
• 3. Create healthy patterns that support emotional closeness, respect, and shared growth in your marriage.

Therapy in Delray Beach, Florida—Other Services I Provide

If your marriage feels stuck, distant, or weighed down by unresolved issues, relationship therapy in Delray Beach can help you reconnect and rediscover joy in your partnership. By working together in a supportive, structured environment, you and your partner can improve communication, resolve long-standing conflicts, and create a stronger emotional bond that lasts.

In addition to relationship counseling, my Delray Beach, FL, therapy practice offers a full range of services to address a variety of mental and emotional health concerns. I work with clients both in person and online, helping with challenges such as parenting struggles, addiction recovery, and conflict resolution in couples. I also provide therapy for anxiety, trauma, infidelity, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and other relational or personal challenges.

My approach is integrative and tailored to each client, using evidence-based methods like CBT, EMDR, Gestalt therapy, mindfulness, psychodrama, and clinical hypnosis. I also offer grief counseling, spiritual guidance, and ADD/ADHD support. For more resources or to book a session, visit my counseling blog or contact me directly.

About the Author

John Davis is an experienced relationship therapist in Delray Beach who specializes in helping married couples strengthen their connection, resolve conflict, and build a foundation for lasting happiness. Drawing on his background in child and family therapy, he understands how early life experiences and learned communication patterns influence marital dynamics. This insight allows him to guide couples through challenges such as trust issues, emotional disconnection, and recurring disagreements.

His trauma-informed approach blends proven techniques like EMDR, CBT, psychodrama, and mindfulness to help couples break unhealthy cycles, improve emotional intimacy, and develop more effective ways of relating. In addition to his clinical work, John serves as Executive Director of the Mental Health Counselor’s Association of Palm Beach and is a recipient of the Outstanding Community Service Award. Known for his compassionate, results-oriented style, John empowers couples to restore clarity, deepen emotional safety, and create a marriage that thrives over time.