In part one of this blog series, we’ll explore an example of why men may be scared of being vulnerable. We’ll also illustrate how relationship therapy can help. Client names have been changed, and any resemblance is purely coincidental.

There’s an awful series of scenes in the movie Good Will Hunting. Matt Damon’s character faces off with Minnie Driver’s character, and they fight terribly. She has fallen in love with him. Will, our main character, has been covering up his troubled past since they started dating. Lying about his made-up family, and making himself look as “normal” as possible. He was horribly abused as a child and wants no one to know.

They begin discussing their possible futures, and she brings up California, where she’ll be going to school. She makes it clear she wants him to accompany her. But here’s where his heart starts to break. Fear overtakes him. He can’t believe she’d really want him enough to have him there. His discomfort escalates wildly. We watch his body contort first with impatience and then rage as he destroys the scene they are in by criticizing and denying that she could love him. He storms out of her apartment. He leaves her drowning in tears.

This is a tough movie to watch. Very emotional. I’ve worked with partners in relationships for many years in my Delray Beach counseling practice. And while this movie scene is dramatic and even excessive at times, there’s something true and real about it. I see examples like it in my therapy room. Being hurt and disappointed in relationships early in our lives can leave us fragile and wary of others. Especially intimate partners who confess their love for us.

What Does A Lack of Relationship Vulnerability Look Like?

Roger and Gwen came to see me some time ago, but their work here was memorable. She complained that he never talked to her and spent hours staring at his phone, especially after dinner. They both reported a lack of closeness, and their mutual appetite for sex had dwindled. He saw no problem, but came because she asked him to. He insisted that his phone time was either work-related or simply to “relax”. When we discussed sex and intimacy, he reported being tired, stressed, and having anxiety that affected their relationship. She felt Roger was uninterested and took it personally.

Their beginning sessions were stormy and not easy. Many ended in anger and hostility, and they took long breaks between sessions at first. I felt sure they’d give up. As therapists in relationship counseling, one of our important goals is to end sessions gently. “Put them back together”, says Dr John Gottman, in his book What Makes Love Last. Partners will argue vociferously and angrily in session. Hurt feelings are inevitable, but we strive to land the session gently with as much sense of hope as possible. For Roger and Gwen, this was rare. More than a few times, Roger would storm away from the session after slamming the door. Gwen would be in shambles. Vulnerability was something foreign to both.

When honest, intimate dialogue began to occur in the session, they both tensed up and became defensive. One or the other would pull back and sabotage with anger, crossing boundaries while hurling accusations at one another. No one like the one closest to us can hurt us so deeply. Getting in touch with that fear, and the accompanying anger, is a deeply disturbing experience for all of us. It was clear that Roger experienced the sessions as threatening. I was surprised he persisted.

What Makes Men Afraid to Be Vulnerable in a Relationship?

Roger had grown up in a series of foster homes before arriving at the one he stayed in the longest. By high school graduation, he had lived 12 years with an alcoholic father, a naval officer, and a schoolteacher mom. His foster father was a strict disciplinarian. He never hesitated to use a belt to “instruct” Roger on how to keep his grades up. He was explosive and temperamental, especially when drunk. In one of our private sessions, Roger lifted his pants leg to reveal ugly scars made by these abusive beatings. Not to mention the emotional and psychological toll the unhealed abuse left behind.

In his late teens, Roger began drinking heavily and smoking pot regularly. He had few friends and described dating as “get laid”. He never wanted to be close to anyone, especially women. By the age of 35, he’d never been in a serious relationship. Roger was forming a shield against anticipated pain and hiding his vulnerability with alcohol, drugs, and a distorted sense of sexuality. He was showing a response not unlike PTSD that served to protect him emotionally. For Roger, vulnerability was like Superman’s kryptonite. It weakened and frightened him. And it kept real love and connection at bay.

How Can Relationship Therapy Encourage Vulnerability?

With our help over time, Roger began to heal. Gwen was patient and supportive and offered encouragement when things were moving in a positive direction. In private sessions, Roger came to terms with his trauma. He worked hard to let go of thinking distortions and self-limiting beliefs he’d gathered, often experiencing emotions unfamiliar to him, especially grief. He was grieving the loss of his childhood and the loss of having wise and helpful parents who might have nourished him and protected him.

Eventually, in a breakthrough session, he forgave his dad, as well as the birth parents who’d given him up for adoption. As his grief began to resolve, Roger’s behavior changed. He walked differently. He carried himself more lightly. His sense of humor improved. He was better able to see Gwen for who she really was and not someone he feared. He stopped drinking and drugging and was sober at our last meeting.

The couple’s work with us was remarkable. They clearly loved each other, and their bond was visible. They touched each other often, lovingly holding hands. When he wept, she was right there beside him, consoling him.

As each improved their communication, their skill at being vulnerable increased. They began to share experiences more freely, especially scary ones they’d deeply hidden from each other. Over six months, this now happy marriage gained in strength and resilience, and they often left sessions embracing each other.

If you or someone you love is doing all you can in your marriage and still can’t see results, and you are still unhappy, I may be able to help. Learning and healing may take some time, but the joys can be priceless. Start working with a relationship therapist in Delray Beach today. Call or text me at 561-213-8030 or email me at jdlmhc@gmail.com for a consultation. I also encourage you to stay tuned for part two of this blog series: Why Is She Scared of Being Vulnerable.

Find Support for Emotional Growth With Relationship Therapy in Delray Beach, FL

Struggling to be vulnerable in a relationship can create walls between you and your partner, leaving you both feeling misunderstood and disconnected. Relationship therapy provides a safe, supportive environment to explore these fears, uncover the roots of emotional guardedness, and learn new ways to build trust and intimacy. At my counseling practice in Delray Beach, FL, I help clients replace avoidance and fear with tools that foster openness, clarity, and deeper connection.

Here’s how you can take the first step toward healthier, more fulfilling relationships:

• 1. Delve into your challenges with vulnerability in a safe, judgment-free space during your initial consultation.
• 2. Learn practical strategies for opening up emotionally and strengthening connections with guidance from an experienced relationship therapist in Delray Beach, FL.
• 3. Build lasting intimacy and trust by creating a foundation of authenticity, respect, and mutual understanding.

Other Therapy Services I Provide in Florida

Struggling with vulnerability often points to deeper relationship patterns shaped by past experiences, anxiety, or unresolved trauma. Relationship therapy can help you untangle those roots while giving you tools to build more authentic, emotionally secure connections.

Alongside counseling for relationship challenges, my Delray Beach, FL therapy practice offers a wide range of services designed to support emotional and psychological health. I see clients both in person and online and help with various concerns, from parenting struggles to addiction recovery. I also provide therapy for NPD, anxiety, trauma, infidelity, and other couples’ challenges.

My approach is integrative and personalized, drawing from mindfulness, psychodrama, clinical hypnosis, EMDR, CBT, and Gestalt to address each client’s unique needs. Additional offerings include grief counseling, support for spiritual concerns, and treatment for ADD/ADHD. To learn more or schedule a session, I invite you to explore my mental health blog or contact my office directly.

About the Author

John Davis is an experienced relationship therapist in Delray Beach, FL, specializing in helping individuals and couples address the fears and patterns that make vulnerability so difficult. With a strong foundation in child and family therapy, John understands how early relational experiences shape adult behaviors—especially when it comes to trust and emotional openness. Using a trauma-informed approach that integrates EMDR, CBT, mindfulness, and psychodrama, John supports clients in breaking down barriers to connection while fostering confidence in healthy communication.

His expertise in relationship therapy makes him especially skilled at guiding people who struggle with guardedness, toxic relationship patterns, or difficulty expressing emotions. As Executive Director of the Mental Health Counselor’s Association of Palm Beach and recipient of the Outstanding Community Service Award, John is widely respected in the mental health community. His work empowers clients to move past fear, embrace vulnerability, and create more authentic and fulfilling relationships.