Falling in love is such a special treat. We totally forget ourselves and fall head over heels for another person. We believe that they’ll be the answer to our prayers. They’ll satisfy our every need and make our lives infinitely happier when they are around. We miss them terribly in no time at all. Often, we spend hours on the phone, just breathing. We want them near us, especially naked, and we are content to spend days and nights at their side. We make “goo-goo” eyes and talk silly, believing we’ve found our soul mate. As I often see in relationship therapy, it never lasts. It’s not supposed to.

Sorry, but this is my common experience with intimate relationships in my counseling practice. For some, it takes longer than others for this cold reality to set in. There’s a well-known adage called “the seven-year itch”, but I think maybe in our overcaffeinated, hyper-driven culture, it’s more like the “2 ¾ year itch”.

I asked my good friend ChatGPT what he thought about this, and here he is verbatim: “The ‘seven-year itch’ is a colloquial term for a period of potential relationship instability or dissatisfaction that can occur around the seventh year of a marriage or long-term relationship. It’s not a scientifically proven phenomenon with a fixed timeline, but rather a cultural shorthand for a common pattern where couples may experience a decline in marital satisfaction and an increased risk of divorce.”

What Is Couples Anxiety? Contributing Factors and Healthy Solutions

As an experienced relationship therapist, I see it all the time. In various patterns, partners fall away from each other predictably. I think a major contributor might be a kind of “couples anxiety”. When we realize that we don’t always “like” this person, we become afraid. When we discover significant behaviors that annoy us, we sometimes freak out. They are not going to always meet our needs. What a horrifying conclusion, especially when we’ve doubled down with a happy marriage, home, and hearth. This “couples anxiety” emerges for many reasons, the first of which we might call “biopsychosocial”.

As human warm-blooded animals, we are built for connection. John Bowlby was a British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, and notable for his interest in child development and for his pioneering work in attachment theory.

In opposition to the more Freudian, “dark impulse” interpretations of psychology of his day, Bowlby maintained that we are primarily gregarious social creatures, driven by the need to securely attach to others, first to our mother and subsequently to everyone else, especially our romantic partners.

Our needs are warmth, nourishment, and safety above all else. He discovered various predictable patterns of attachment from childhood, which we won’t discuss here, as it’s beyond our scope. Suffice it to say, I believe Bowlby and his researchers nailed it. We can, with astonishing predictability, make accurate statements about how someone will behave in intimate relationships. Whether we are “anxiously attached” or “avoidant”, all of us will fear in our deepest core that our needs may not get met. This gets exacerbated wildly when we fall in…then out of…love.

Are There Cultural Causes for Anxiety In Romantic Relationships?

Another cause for anxiety in relationships is cultural. Many people live an “anxious lifestyle”. Especially in this modern age of “likes and influencers” on social media, and in popular press and entertainment, we are taught that love should be “shiny” and without difficulty. Sharing stories of our relationships among friends’ groups, we are sometimes greeted by subtle assumptions like “everything’s OK”, “We’re all going through it!”. Facebook and Instagram present the perfect, “best life” our friends want us to believe in.

Except it’s rarely accurate. The reality is very much the opposite, especially in love.

Yes, it feels vulnerable, yet glorious when we begin. Falling in love relieves us of a burdensome self-consciousness and raises our self-esteem. But things change. We grow up. Our bodies and our sex drives change. Stresses bear down upon us. Especially family, career, and financial. Children arrive! We may begin to believe that issues like these are harbingers of decline. “I knew it,” one might think and feel the outrage of having taken someone in who has misrepresented themselves. “I told you who I was when I married you” is the retort. “You knew it!” “Stop trying to change me!”

Whatever reasoning may inform our beliefs at this critical crossroad, we are usually filled with a mixture of fear and dread. I often hear couples talk about “walking on eggshells” at home, preserving a fragile peace by being quiet, or worse, compliant. We begin to withdraw, first from the fun stuff and frequent sex and laughter. Then we keep to ourselves out of a sense of constantly being misunderstood. Communication in the relationship falters as we both strive desperately to meet our needs, and before long, we are shouting at each other simultaneously. At our worst, quarreling over the heads of our children! How do we deal with these fears that dampen our ability to love and be loved?

Can Good Communication Offset Relationship Anxiety?

Falling in love can often feel like “mind reading.” Or the childish belief held way too long that my partner can, with intuition, perceive what I want before I even say it. That may be true in the early years of a happy marriage or relationship, when we revel in our commonalities. It feels that way. “We’re soul mates,” some say. But as we mature and our differences become apparent, communication of a high caliber is essential. Listening only half-way when we are gulping down the coffee, racing out the door may become the norm.

“Love ya…. Bye!” becomes the regular parting. This breeds fear and no small amount of loathing. We can do this for stretches, perhaps when we are under a gauntlet of pressure from family or finances, but employed too long, and this absence of true togetherness can lead to disconnection. So often, when infidelity has brought down the house, the cheating party tells me, “They listened to me.” “They made me feel understood”.

Paul Tillich, a 20th-century theologian and philosopher, said, “The first duty of love is to listen.”

In my Delray Beach counseling practice, we work on a new kind of listening. We take turns. We paraphrase and repeat. Sometimes we slow down to a crawl so that not only does our partner feel heard, but validated and accepted. We learn that it’s not so hard to change for the person I love. It takes great patience, especially when my clients are raw with emotion and hurt that drives an urgency that’s hard to manage.

But that’s when the anxiety begins to go away. Fears lessen. Breathing comes easier. With this new way of connecting, partners can find their way back to nourishing themselves and each other. No more “walking on eggshells”. Sometimes I get the privilege to smile inwardly as I watch a couple walk away from my office holding hands. Remember these next ideas as tools for managing relationship anxiety when you need them the most.

How Does Good Holistic Health Affect Relationship Anxiety?

Good emotional health is available in a strong body and mind. Our body is truly our temple, and the mind and heart reside there. We’d do well to be careful guarding it against poisons and intoxicants, and bad habits. I’ve never met a successful and happy older couple who did a lot of drinking. We are wise to treat ourselves kindly with good food, exercise, sleep, rest, and periods of quiet solitude.

Jonathan Haidt, in his groundbreaking book The Anxious Generation, explores the connection between solid, resilient mental health and our capacity to love genuinely and connect with others.

He points out that smartphone addiction has become real and threatening to relationships, making it difficult to relax and shut off the noise. I was out for the evening recently at a city festival, hundreds everywhere with children in tow. Where was their attention? Staring into their phones!

Calming Couples Anxiety Is Easier Than You Think

Here’s an anxiety hack I’ve used for a long time as a relationship, child, and family therapist. I find it a reliable companion to restore my good attitude and sense of well-being very quickly.

Breathe. Sound simple? It is, but if done properly with mindful attention, it can soften a fearful mood and relax the shoulders and solar plexus, bringing with it a lasting lightness. I sometimes do this with couples in my Delray Beach therapy practice. Try these quick steps, especially if you are anxious about a difficult conversation you’ll soon face.

Take a seat somewhere in private. A parked car with the AC on is fine. The bathroom works great. An office chair with the door shut. I’ve sat in my doctor’s office with my shades on. Set your timer for 4 minutes. Let your head relax backward and close your eyes. Allow your attention to settle into your breath. Feel the sensations of air coming in and out, your belly and chest rising and falling. When thinking intrudes, gently return your attention to the breath.

Occasionally, turn toward your other “present” senses like the sounds outside, or the smell of your leather chair, or the gentle movement of air by the ceiling fan. Feel the pressure of your chair as you drop gently into this brief rest break and let go of your need to do anything. Do this long enough, and your thinking will often melt away. Breathe mindfully like this for a few minutes. Then come up slowly and go about your business.

If you’re skillful and you practice, you’ll slow down. You’ll listen better. Your experiences will become more vivid, and eventually, the things that worry you will begin to subside. You’ll become more approachable, and you’ll handle stress more effectively. Your energy will even increase.

Sometimes, Extra Support Can Help—Final Thoughts From a Relationship Therapist

If you or someone you love is looking for answers to managing fear, especially in intimate relationships, I can help. Call or text me at 561-213-8030 or email me at jdlmhc@gmail.com for an appointment. I see clients regularly in person at my downtown Delray Beach counseling practice, or on Zoom if that’s more convenient.

Find Calm and Connection Through Relationship Therapy in Delray Beach, FL

Anxiety can quietly shape the way couples communicate, react, and connect, sometimes creating distance where closeness is needed most. Left unchecked, it can fuel misunderstandings, heighten conflict, and weaken the emotional bond between partners. Relationship therapy provides a safe and structured space to uncover how anxiety is influencing your romantic life and gives you the tools to rebuild trust, strengthen communication, and deepen intimacy.

At my counseling practice in Delray Beach, FL, I help couples replace anxiety-driven habits with healthier ways of relating that bring clarity, compassion, and peace. Here’s how you can take the first steps toward a calmer, more connected relationship:

• 1. Explore how anxiety is showing up in your relationship and begin developing strategies to manage it during your initial consultation.
• 2. Gain practical tools for easing anxious thoughts, improving communication, and creating emotional safety with guidance from an experienced relationship therapist in Delray Beach, FL.
• 3. Rebuild connection by fostering trust, respect, and stability, even when anxiety is part of the picture.

Other Therapy Services I Provide In Florida

Anxiety doesn’t just affect romantic relationships. It can spill into family dynamics, parenting, friendships, and even your work life. Through relationship therapy, I help clients identify how anxiety interacts with these areas and provide strategies to create more stability, healthier communication, and a stronger sense of self.

In addition to couples counseling, my downtown Delray Beach practice offers a wide range of therapy services to support overall emotional well-being. I work with clients both in person and online, addressing concerns such as parenting stress, addiction recovery, and various couples challenges. I also provide therapy for trauma, infidelity, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and anxiety-related issues that disrupt everyday life.

Every client receives a personalized, integrative approach that may draw on CBT, EMDR, Gestalt therapy, mindfulness, psychodrama, or clinical hypnosis. My services also include grief counseling, spiritual guidance, and ADHD/ADD support. To learn more or to schedule a session, I invite you to visit my therapy blog or contact my office directly.

About the Author

John Davis is a highly experienced relationship therapist in Delray Beach, FL, who specializes in helping couples understand how anxiety affects communication, trust, and emotional intimacy. With a foundation in child and family therapy, he has spent years guiding individuals, couples, and families through the complex ways anxiety can shape relationships. John takes a trauma-informed approach, using EMDR, CBT, mindfulness practices, and psychodrama to help clients manage anxiety-driven behaviors and replace them with healthier patterns.

His expertise in relationship therapy makes him especially skilled at working with couples facing emotional distance, recurring conflicts, or anxiety-based communication breakdowns. As Executive Director of the Mental Health Counselor’s Association of Palm Beach and recipient of the Outstanding Community Service Award, John is widely recognized for his leadership in the mental health field. His work empowers clients to reduce the impact of anxiety, strengthen their connections, and create calmer, more fulfilling relationships.