With a lilt in her Western European accent, master relationship builder Hedy Schleifer told a gently humorous and familiar story when control came up in her couples’ workshops. Hers was a rich and beautiful marriage to Yumi, her partner for 50 years. She would say: “I always laugh whenever Yumi, my sweet soulmate, tells me how to drive and where to turn left or right in our car.”

This was a bit more than tongue-in-cheek, as Hedy was well-versed and expertly trained in the power dynamics between couples. She told this story as if we all already knew the “punch line”. She occasionally rolled her eyes to bring us in on the joke. Laughing purposefully, she’d say, “I just relax and enjoy the ride because he always knows what’s the best way home for us. I don’t have to worry about finding our way; I just leave it all up to Yumi!” Twenty couples seated in a circle around them would groan in unison with familiar recognition.

It sounded so sweet and so quaint. A great story, but for most of us, almost impossible to do in the moment without training and practice. Quarreling for control is one of the most prevalent destructive dynamics I see in relationship therapy. Sometimes the subtlety with which we strive to each get our way can be amazing. It often lies below the surface of conscious interaction. We just don’t know we’re doing it most of the time.

Relationship Control: Causes, Effects, & Steps Toward Mutual Respect

There are helpful tools available to navigate these powerful currents. To illustrate, I’ll share some anecdotes from my relationship counseling practice in Delray Beach. Of course, the names and identifying details have been changed to protect privacy. Some of the cases mentioned are slight composites of those I’ve worked with in the past. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or situations, past or present, is purely coincidental.

The effects of relationship control can be subtle, building resentment over time.

Eric and Amy had been having problems for years. Successful in their careers, they both worked outside the home, employing a series of nannies to help with their two children. They were lucky to have a skilled teacher in one of their nannies when the children got older, so the choice of school was no problem. Together, they employed a hybrid, home-schooling approach, and when the children were young, this worked great.

They came to see me around year nine of their marriage when a violent argument erupted out of the blue, resulting in Amy’s leaving their home with the children and taking up residence across town in a rental. Eric displayed great sadness when he told me the story of their breakup and reported feeling blindsided by the fury of her scolding and her excessive anger. “She’s telling me she’s fed up with living MY life and not hers. She calls me a narcissist and tells me I’ve controlled her all this time”. When I met with Amy later, she reported that the trouble had brewed over the years.

Sometimes, childhood upbringing or narcissistic tendencies are factors.

She coped with her feelings of being controlled by keeping quiet and focusing on her children when at home, and her work when she left the house. She reported that the marriage had been without warmth and intimacy for a long time. When their last child had been born, their lovemaking became rote and mechanical. It was always on his terms and timing. They talked less and worked more. As their sexuality lost its glow and its capacity to nourish, they drifted away from each other and found distractions. Alcohol, cannabis, and occasional “micro-dosing” on psilocybin became opportunities for both privacy and hiding for each of them.

Eric had grown up with an alcoholic father who exploded with anger in bursts, and he learned to mimic his father’s behavior when he felt he needed control, which seemed to always. He demonstrated destructive narcissistic patterns of behavior, especially when stressed. Amy reported in our private sessions that Eric was highly intelligent, read voraciously, and consumed internet information in all his leisure time. She also reported that he was often an “intellectual bully,” and it was impossible to win an argument with him. Even the smallest, seemingly insignificant subjects became win/lose drama for him, and she felt punished for making “wrong” choices about running the household. She’d allowed Eric to make career decisions for her as well.

The controlled partner will inevitably reach their breaking point.

To keep the peace, Amy tried to keep quiet and make herself invisible. She’d grown up with an egregiously narcissistic and abusive mother who Amy reported “took all the oxygen out of the room” whenever she spoke. No one was important except her mother. Amy developed severely self-limiting beliefs about her self-worth, and her self-esteem was very low. She’d been depressed for as long as she could remember.

Amy developed a personality style that Craig Malkin, in his book Rethinking Narcissism, addressed as “echoist”. The ancient myth of Narcissus refers to the Greek goddess Echo and describes her inability to speak for herself. As punishment from another mythical god, she can only “echo” the words of Narcissus. She can’t speak for herself. Amy had taken on some of these characteristics. A dedicated social worker, she exhibited great empathy and care. Her children were devoted. But she’d allowed Eric to take advantage of her through the years, subtly replacing her judgment and decisions with his own.

Frequent conflicts about her job outside the home became a focus of endless debate. Eric had grown increasingly paranoid about the local school systems, both public and private, and was insisting she leave her job to take over homeschooling their children. This has been a “final straw” for Amy. She reported that her job had been a sanctuary in her deep unhappiness and dug in her heels when told she’d have to quit and give it up. That’s when, during an alcohol-fueled dinner, she’d exploded and left the restaurant in a rage. “You won’t control me anymore”! she’d shouted. She moved out the next morning. With help from her parents, she rented an apartment and refused Eric’s request to meet and talk for several months.

Relationship therapy can help partners balance control in a relationship.

Their pain was palpable as they sat with me in my office. Eric, in typical style, spoke first, but this time his voice and words were full of sorrow and regret. “I lost my way, and I lost you, too.” He said, “the very last thing in the world I ever wanted”. Amy sat stiffly and kept her distance in the therapy room. His impassioned words seemed to bounce off her for a while. Her time away from him had been a period of self-discovery, and she was realizing the depth of her anger and resentment at herself, at Eric, and at the situation they’d made of their home life. There was much work to be done.

The work for Amy and Eric involved starting over. It required that they go back to their pasts and make sense of the difficult lessons their broken parents had offered. It meant teaching each other about who they were. And revealing some of the strategies they’d both employed to build “safe” distance in the relationship. It required their learning to listen all over again, in ways they never had. Deep listening to each other seemed to slowly unravel the power dynamics between them.

As they saw more clearly the pain they’d caused each other, their empathy grew, and with each session, some tenderness returned. They learned skills of negotiation that had never before been part of their relationship. In fits and starts, they began to show their love and respect for each other. Individual sessions were essential along the way for both. Doing one’s own “work” is vital to repairing the relationship. Discovering our own unique character flaws can be a painful process best accomplished in privacy. With greater resilience, it’s possible for us to return with insight and strength to the relationship.

Working through relationship control requires ongoing commitment and care.

Amy and Eric have a long way to go. The formidable variable of excessive substance abuse caused confusion for them both and slowed the work of self-examination. They clung to a group of friends who used drugs and alcohol to excess regularly. For them to opt out felt like social isolation. Real and effective therapy can often cause us to journey out and away from our habitual social circles and leave friends and acquaintances behind.

A therapist of my own, long ago, once said that it’s better to be alone for a while than to be with the wrong people for any time. Buddhist nun and author Pema Chodron refers to this change as becoming somewhat like a refugee: “I take refuge in the Buddha,” which means I take refuge in the courage and the potential of fearlessness, of removing all the armor that covers this awareness of mine. I am awake; I will spend my life taking this armor off. Nobody else can take it off because nobody else knows where all the little locks are.”

I was disappointed when Amy and Eric pulled out of relationship therapy after a month. They said they intended to divorce. But they returned shortly thereafter, weary and discouraged, with a renewed sense of commitment. Their mutual dysfunctional behavior patterns fit together like a carpenter’s “dovetail” joint. He controlled. She allowed herself to be controlled. This dynamic served to keep them steady for periods, each sacrificing the freedom and personal integrity that comes from self-analysis. Their work is gradual. As their therapist, I have hope for them and their children. I am not optimistic about them.

Mutual Respect is Possible: Words of Encouragement From a Delray Therapist

If you or someone you love is struggling with control in their relationship, it can be empowering to re-evaluate. Terry Real, author and therapist, says that marriage works best when it’s a democracy. A partnership of equals. Our children will thrive when they know by example that their words and ideas count.

As a respected relationship therapist in Delray Beach, I can help you and your partner get to this place of mutual respect and relationship equality. Contact me by phone at 561-213-8030 or email at jdlmhc@gmail.com. We can get to work right away.

Restore Balance and Mutual Respect Through Relationship Therapy in Delray Beach

When control begins to overshadow connection in a relationship, both partners can end up feeling unheard, undervalued, or emotionally overwhelmed. Restoring balance takes intention, self-awareness, and a willingness to understand the deeper dynamics at play. Relationship therapy offers a supportive space to explore these patterns, rebuild mutual respect, and create healthier ways of relating. At my Delray Beach counseling practice, I help couples and individuals recognize controlling behaviors—whether subtle or overt—and replace them with communication, empathy, and shared responsibility.

Here’s how you can begin rebuilding a more balanced, respectful partnership:

• 1. Explore how control may be influencing your relationship dynamic once you schedule a consultation.
• 2. Learn effective strategies for boundary-setting, emotional regulation, and healthy communication with guidance from an experienced relationship therapist in Delray Beach, FL.
• 3. Begin developing a relationship rooted in equality, trust, and mutual understanding—so both partners feel seen, valued, and heard.

Other Therapy Services John Davis Provides in Delray Beach, Florida

When a relationship becomes unbalanced or controlling, it can leave you feeling confused, overwhelmed, or unsure of how to regain your footing. Through relationship therapy, I help clients understand the dynamics beneath these patterns and develop healthier ways to communicate, set boundaries, and rebuild mutual respect. With the right support, you can create relationships that feel safe, steady, and genuinely connected.

Beyond relationship-focused work, my Delray Beach, FL counseling practice offers a comprehensive range of mental health services to help you navigate life’s challenges. I meet with clients both online and in person, addressing issues such as addiction recovery, parenting stress, and couples conflict. I also provide targeted therapy for anxiety, trauma, infidelity, NPD, and other emotional or relational concerns.

Each client receives a tailored, integrative approach that may include mindfulness techniques, psychodrama, clinical hypnosis, CBT, EMDR, or Gestalt therapy. Additional support is available for grief and loss, spiritual exploration, and ADD/ADHD management. To learn more about available services or to schedule a session, visit my counseling blog or reach out to my office directly.

About the Author

John Davis, LMHC, is a highly regarded relationship therapist in Delray Beach, known for guiding individuals, couples, and families through complex emotional and relational challenges. His work focuses on helping clients understand the deeper patterns behind conflict, control, and disconnection—particularly in relationships where balance and mutual respect have been disrupted. With extensive training in child and family therapy, John recognizes how early relational experiences influence adult behavior and uses that insight to help clients create healthier interactions. His trauma-informed approach blends EMDR, CBT, psychodrama, mindfulness, and other evidence-based methods to support meaningful, long-lasting change.

Whether clients are healing from toxic dynamics, learning boundary-setting skills, or rebuilding trust, John provides a compassionate and structured environment for growth. As the Executive Director of the Mental Health Counselors’ Association of Palm Beach, recipient of the Outstanding Community Service Award, and an expert marriage counselor featured on StayMarriedFlorida.com, John is widely respected for his leadership and dedication to relationship wellness. His work helps clients cultivate clarity, emotional stability, and deeply fulfilling connections.