In part one of this series, we talked about some of the easier questions we pose in a period of figuring out if we fit for long-term success. In the breezy beginning of relationships, it’s easy to feel good. Buoyant. Our optimism is high. We often feel the buzzing effects of positive chemistries, like oxytocin, serotonin, and floods of dopamine. We enjoy dating and the fun that comes from real, authentic partnering in love.

As relationships mature, we observe more difficult conversations that reflect the evolution of partnerships toward more committed and longer-lasting relationships. I often laugh out loud with couples when we begin to talk about difficult subjects called the “fun stuff”.

I’ll illustrate with a few stories from relationship therapy sessions at my practice. Of course, the names and identifying details have been changed to protect privacy. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or situations, past or present, is purely coincidental. In Part Two, we’ll discuss some of the harder topics partners bring to our practice. We’ll take a deeper dive to explore tougher topics that come up.

What Discussions Should Partners Have Before Marriage?

As in Part One of my premarital relationship counseling blog series, when you can say “Yes” confidently to each of these statements, you’re on the right track, and I’d be optimistic about your future together. Let’s look at 5 “not so easy” pieces. They focus on topics like commitment, outside relationships, children, spirituality, and plans for the future.

Premarital Discussion #1: “We are confident in each other’s commitment to the relationship. We believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face.”

Falling in love quickly is amazing. It sometimes happens that we know, somehow, intuitively from the first moment, that this person will be part of us in good ways for a long time. It’s comparatively rare. For example, in a 2017 study in Personal Relationships (Zsok et al.) found that approximately one-third of participants reported they had experienced this phenomenon called “love at sight”. The authors go on to point out that for many couples, what they are experiencing is a strong and deep connection more like attachment than love.

An old cliché, “Love takes time,” describes more of what we see in my Delray Beach, FL, relationship counseling practice. Confidence tends to build over the first year (and beyond) for many, as some of the “shine” comes off each other, and we face and succeed in overcoming moments of adversity, large and small. Learning how to “repair” the inevitable “breaches” in the relationship is essential. Because we are so open in the beginning, we are easily hurt by our partners. A hard truth: no one can hurt us like the one we love.

Avoiding Disappointment Amid Change

David Richo has been a favorite author. In his excellent book The Five Things We Cannot Change, he discusses the inevitability of change in relationships and the disappointment we must be ready for. Somewhere along the way, we stop constantly putting our best foot forward with our partner, begin to enjoy the liberty and freedom of just being ourselves, and come squarely against this timeless truth. People will disappoint us.

We (secretly?) want our partners to be perfect, like we imagined them at the beginning. But they are not. We are not. We will disappoint and hurt one another. What happens next is an important key to continuing to build our optimism and belief in the relationship. Gathering the tools to quickly come back together after an upset is often part of our work, getting couples ready to make commitments. Learning to say I’m sorry, and to forgive. Learning to let go of that which we cannot control, including our partner. The freedom that results is a precious component of authentically loving and building a lasting commitment.

Premarital Discussion #2: “We like and respect each other’s friends and make new ones fluently. We value and respect each other’s parents and families”.

Friend groups and family can be a source of joy or great sorrow. Especially with social media bringing everyone together so often and so quickly, it’s a topic that must be sorted early and thoroughly. It’s a bit of a fantasy that “everyone will get along”. What is more real is that I’ll have my healthy friendships, you’ll have yours, and we’ll slowly figure out which ones are good for us as a couple and which are intrusive. Forming a long-term commitment means looking out for our small tribe of two. It means vigilance in the areas of old friends, how we spend our time with them, and what they mean to the relationship.

That said, for most, it’s fairly common to “hang on” to old exes for a while. The shared familiarity, the presence in social circles, and the emotional safety of an ex are all authentic reasons to keep in touch. Trouble comes when strong romantic feelings are present, or flirtatious behavior disguises lingering sexual attraction and feelings. One study found that people who maintained close ties with exes were more likely to report lower satisfaction and commitment with their current partner.

The Impact of Family Relationships

Family ties are another, sometimes difficult minefield of negotiation. There’s poignant, beautiful poetry in the old Peter Yarrow melody The Wedding Song, in which he describes that

“A man shall leave his mother and a woman leave her home, and they shall travel on to where the two shall be as one”

Pulling away from family and establishing a home of one’s own can be hard, even if on one’s own. Creating a long-term commitment to a partner at the same time can bring about strong and difficult feelings around love and loyalty. As a relationship therapist in Delray Beach, I often work with multiple family members at once to sort out tastes and preferences, even ironing out old grudges and hard feelings that are tough to talk about without help. At least family members can learn to accept new partners with dignity and respect, and in the best of cases, new bonds of love and friendship are the result.

Premarital Discussion #3: “We agree on children in our lives and who is or might be the primary caregiver. We agree on how other childcare roles are handled.”

For some couples, having children or not is the start/non-start gate to it all. I’ve seen partners pull away from this dilemma, digging in their heels painfully as the relationship crumbles between their hands. Hoping that growth together would bring them closer to understanding each other more deeply, sometimes couples delay this important conversation. And sometimes, with good outcomes.

James and Annie have been together for a little over a year. They are both software engineers and enjoy many of the same kinds of activities, including travel to exotic locales and getting as close to nature on those trips as possible. They are a neat couple, and enjoyable to work with as they are intelligent, verbal, and successful in many ways. Communication has not been one of their strengths. During some trying relationship therapy exercises with me, they struggled to accurately repeat what the other had said. This is not uncommon. But it can be a deadly intimacy killer and keep us apart.

Watching their patterns closely, it was clear that they were both only half-listening, ready to summarize at the first moment of silence. This is why they couldn’t sort out the child/no child question. Both had strong feelings and had been ready to quit their partnership over it. Family history, career objectives, and age all played a part in their misunderstanding of each other. It has been remarkable to watch them soften their originally “iron-clad” positions of yes/no and begin to understand the real emotion behind the other’s eyes. Love’s exciting to watch up close, and I feel privileged to work with folks like James and Annie. This is, of course, a work in progress, but James and Annie have slowed down and are beginning to accept each other in new and exciting ways.

Premarital Discussion #4: “We have discussed each other’s career plans and share optimism about challenges that may lie ahead. We’re clear about financial goals, and have good agreement on work, spending, and saving.”

I’ve met couples who’ve been together for years and never thought to answer a very basic financial question critical to their happiness: “Just how wealthy do we need to be?” So often, the answer turns out to be “as much as possible before we die”. This makes me sad when I watch the burdensome cost this brings to the marriage and family. Often, the partnership becomes an all-out race to see how much they can buy, save, acquire, and squirrel away before that dreaded “R” word: retirement.

Alcoholism and addiction follow closely on the heels of some couples caught in this relentless pursuit without properly managing expectations. After all, if there’s no room for intimacy because we are both always working/consuming/planning, then the loneliness can be drowned in drink or substance. Or TV, social media, or even affairs. This is not to disparage the couples who’ve worked through the details and have agreed to the sacrifices necessary to carry out a longer-range plan, which might include a rich and colorful retirement and an early enough age.

The Importance of Financial Discussions

For most of us, money’s hard to talk about. Some of us grew up absorbing self-limiting messages around work, finance, and money. “Be like me,” “Don’t be like me,” “Get all you can,” “Don’t talk about it,” “Rich people are snobs,” “Poor people are to be avoided and have no redeeming value”. Often, parents choose (unwisely) to shield children from the realities of lifestyles and limits. And so, along with so many other “internal” messages, we bring dysfunctional thoughts on money. This can be especially hard in the early years when there is a disparity in earnings and income between partners. Communicating frequently over a longer arc of time is wise and can prevent resentment or an imbalance of power in the relationship. With depth and understanding, these patterns go a long way toward building a firm base for long-term commitment.

Premarital Discussion #5: “We have a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs. We’ve discussed when and how our children may be exposed to religious/moral education”.

Noah and Hanna are ultra-orthodox in their culture and beliefs. They structure their lives around worship and school, and socializing around their Jewish faith and heritage. They are both teachers in a day school and wear traditional garb with flourish and pride. Noah, always in suspenders, black hat, and yarmulke, and Hannah choosing conservative grays, blacks, and whites. They are a very happy and well-adjusted couple that I’ve seen over several years. They have a clear understanding and agreement on what culture and faith mean to them and their seven children. They’ve worked on their beliefs and boundaries as a couple, as well as individually in private sessions. But this kind of “synonymous” lifestyle is a choice. One that fits well for Noah and Hannah. For most, it’s not like that.

Psychiatrist M. Scott Peck, author of The Road Less Traveled, wrote extensively on love, marriage, and spiritual growth, offering guidance relevant to interfaith relationships.

“We must be free to pursue our spiritual life as we choose, acknowledging family and history as part of our story that needn’t control us”, he says. “We must allow no less of our partner. Essentially, we can choose to let spirituality divide us, but that is not inevitable”.

While Scott Peck did not provide a specific formula for couples with different religions, his principles emphasize that true love is an act of commitment and will, rather than just an emotional feeling. In his view, a relationship’s health depends on each partner’s dedication to mutual spiritual growth and individual self-development, not on having an identical belief system.

Final Thoughts From a Seasoned Relationship Therapist in Delray Beach

The greatest benefit of relationship therapy, whether just starting out or in need of a tune-up, is the relief and ease brought about by learning to communicate in ways that build your relationship. Long-term commitment requires that we change ourselves in the direction of the person we love. Not totally, and not in ways that are disingenuous to my sense of self. But change we must for our beloved, and this great challenge demands of us skillful and diplomatic communication. I’m reminded of these words by the great Eastern philosopher and teacher Laozi on loving:

“If you want to awaken all of humanity, then awaken all of yourself. If you want to eliminate the suffering in the world, then eliminate all that is dark and negative in yourself. Truly, the greatest gift you have to give is that of your own self-transformation.”

If you are dating and considering marriage, it’s good to ask for help. Learning more about your potential partner early on can save you trouble and hard work. When treated as a learning experience, the process of discernment may take time, but the payoff can be priceless.

I would love to help. Call or text me at 561-213-8030 or email me at jdlmhc@gmail.com for a consultation.

Deepen Your Partnership With Premarital Relationship Counseling in Delray Beach, FL

Marriage is more than a milestone. It’s a lifelong partnership built on trust, understanding, and shared growth. Premarital relationship counseling offers couples the chance to strengthen that foundation by learning how to navigate conflict. It ensures partners can express needs effectively and maintain emotional closeness. At my Delray Beach counseling practice, I help couples uncover the deeper patterns that shape their dynamic. I equip them with tools to build a relationship rooted in respect and connection.

Here’s how to start preparing for a marriage that thrives long after the wedding day:

• 1. Explore your goals and create an intentional foundation for your future together by scheduling a consultation.
• 2. Learn healthy communication techniques and conflict-resolution strategies with an experienced relationship therapist in Delray Beach, FL.
• 3. Strengthen mutual trust, emotional safety, and shared purpose—so your partnership continues to grow with confidence and compassion.

Other Services with John Davis Counseling in Delray Beach, Florida

Premarital discussions are one of the most important steps in creating a secure, lasting relationship. Through relationship therapy in Delray Beach, I help couples explore their expectations, strengthen communication, and prepare for a future grounded in mutual understanding and emotional balance. My goal is to help you enter marriage with confidence, clarity, and the tools to handle challenges as a team.

Beyond premarital counseling, my Delray Beach, FL therapy practice provides a full range of services to support your personal and relational well-being. I work with individuals and couples in areas such as trauma recovery, infidelity, addiction treatment, anxiety management, and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). I also assist families with parenting challenges, grief and loss support, and ADD/ADHD management to promote healthier communication and connection.

Each session is uniquely tailored using a blend of CBT, EMDR, Gestalt therapy, mindfulness, psychodrama, and clinical hypnosis. This integrative approach helps clients restore balance, build resilience, and nurture stronger, more fulfilling relationships. To learn more, visit my counseling blog or reach out to my office directly.

About the Author

John Davis, LMHC, is a trusted marriage and relationship therapist in Delray Beach, FL. He’s known for helping couples strengthen their connection before and during marriage. Through his work in premarital relationship counseling, John guides partners in developing healthy communication habits. He helps couples manage expectations and foster emotional trust that lasts well beyond the wedding day. His extensive background in child and family therapy allows him to help couples recognize how early experiences influence adult attachment and relational patterns.

John’s trauma-informed approach blends techniques such as EMDR, CBT, Gestalt therapy, psychodrama, and mindfulness, offering couples a personalized path to growth and understanding. His focus is on helping partners build emotional safety, deepen intimacy, and create long-term relationship satisfaction.

As the Executive Director of the Mental Health Counselors’ Association of Palm Beach and a recipient of the Outstanding Community Service Award, John is recognized for his leadership and dedication to mental health and relational wellness. Featured as an expert marriage counselor on StayMarriedFlorida.com, he continues to help couples build strong, compassionate, and enduring partnerships.