It’s interesting to see the shift toward older couples thinking about marriage. Years back, it seemed that 25 was about the time young adults began to imagine themselves making a marriage commitment and tying the knot. In many premarital relationship therapy sessions, I now see couples that are slightly older and way more thoughtful about long-term commitments than ever before. This makes sense to me. Couples are being more careful and deliberate about this kind of major life step. It seems it takes a lot of courage to select one person and stay with them through change and adversity.

There are so many important considerations at this important intersection, and each one deserves deep and thoughtful discussion. I’ll tell a few stories from my practice and, of course, the names and identifying details have been changed to protect privacy. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or situations, past or present, is purely coincidental.

In Part One, we’ll discuss some of the easier topics that partners bring to my Delray Beach counseling practice. Successful dating begins with strong, broad agreement on these. In Part Two, we’ll take a deeper dive and explore tougher topics that come up. If you can say “Yes” confidently to each of these statements, you’re on the right track, and I’d be optimistic about your future together. Let’s look at how this might work.

What Conversations Should You Have Before Marriage?

Here are 5 easy premarital discussions you and your partner should reflect on before tying the knot. They focus on topics like respectful listening, intimacy expectations, and relationship roles.

Premarital Discussion #1: “We listen to each other with care and respectfully consider one another’s ideas and complaints.”

This is likely the most important of all our lists. “The first duty of love is to listen” is a quote attributed to the theologian Paul Tillich. This phrase makes perfect sense and sounds easy. Right? Not always. Jeremy, a long-term client, has taken some time to learn this skill and still works on it with me during our check-ins. Jeremy has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Sitting with him in sessions, I can see by his eye contact as well as his speech pace that he has disengaged from what I’m saying and is racing on to his next topic. In a clinical setting, this can be an important practice.

With an intimate partner, this can be disastrous. Jeremy is good about “catching” himself and maintains a good sense of humor and mild self-deprecation around this old habit. He’s had to learn throughout his life that failure to focus is not a moral problem, but one of learning styles. Adult ADHD is a major cause of conflict in many couples I see in my relationship counseling practice. Jeremy is improving his track record at dating as he sharpens his skills with self-awareness and discipline. We do some breathing exercises and quite a bit of “self-hypnosis.” Jeremy’s gained a mindful sense of slowing down in conversation, which has helped him build his confidence in good conversation.

Premarital Discussion #2: “My partner is affectionate to the degree and in the ways that I expect, and we agree on how to spend our leisure time.”

It’s great to find someone who we can “hang out” with. Usually, we learn each other’s habits of closeness and affection along the way and, in many ways, teach each other what we need and expect. If we’re lucky, we find someone who’s naturally comfortable with themselves both alone and in our company. Texting each other, phone calling, and meet-ups are all handled gracefully with agreement and without intrusion. In this way, we are free to express our affection in loving and creative ways. Author and ground-breaking researcher John Gottman called this “bidding for attention”, and recommends partners find many ways to make them. He maintains that successful couples listen and attend to each other with affection. They put their phones down and focus on being present.

Premarital Discussion #3: “We have a healthy balance between intimacy and independence, and we can comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences, and fears.

Wonderful, fulfilling, thrilling, and orgasmic sex is one of life’s great gifts and pleasures. It can add to our lives immeasurably. It can redefine who we believe we are! Early in relationships, when we’ve both agreed we can “hang out” successfully, there’s lots of sex. It can seem like life is only about sex! The discovery of a partner who fires our arousal and satisfies us can be life-changing. And, oddly enough, it can take away from it. After a period, usually a few years, it’s natural for all of us to want to taper off sex. We want it to be richer and more fulfilling and emotionally healthy.

Often in relationship counseling, I tell couples that “sex can be a loud conversation”. The massive physical experience of turn-on and orgasm can begin to take the place of words and dialogue. Sex is often a language “unto myself” in which I may be having an experience hard to describe. Nothing wrong here unless sex begins taking the place of conversation, and the important and sometimes difficult topics we need to address get shoved aside. Many couples have never had real and clear conversations on the “how much”, “how often”, and “what style”. From the discovery of sexuality in our adolescence, it’s not unusual that we “read each other’s minds” on this topic. As we mature in a relationship, we will find that talking solves problems and also makes sex better.

Premarital Discussion #4: “We have discussed our expectations for how the household is maintained, and agree on who manages which chores, how, and on what type of schedule.”

I sometimes still see what some people call “traditional” roles that couples play out around their homes because they were taught this way. “She cleans the toilet,” while “He brings home the bacon”. Traditional is usually code for “masculine” and “feminine” styles of engaging, and can sometimes produce an imbalance of power in a relationship. We’ve made some progress here in many ways, as we’ve become free to express both styles as one person.

Keeping our home clean and orderly belongs to both of us, and over time, the most successful couples share the load equally. Of course, career and workload will affect this, and there’s nothing wrong with negotiating a different type of chore-sharing arrangement if it’s talked about enough and both partners feel they are getting a fair shake. A recent Swedish study reported that couples were happier when they used tools like spreadsheets and apps to make chores explicit. Couples worked to help each other keep up with more harmony as a result.

Premarital Discussion #5: “We have fully disclosed our health histories and conditions, both physical and mental”.

“Should I tell her I have Herpes?” Mark asks me. “We really like each other, and I know we’ll have sex soon”. Of course, the answer here is obvious. It’s the right thing to do. Disclosure is ethically mandated. But Mark’s problem was deeper. He’d known this person for only five days. They met on a dating app. They’d had dinner and wound up making out drunkenly in the Uber they took to get home. Mark’s anxiety was heightened. He was in something of a panic. While he wanted to “do the right thing”, he was moving far too fast.

During our session, it became clear that Mark often pushed for sexuality far too soon, and many of his dating attempts ended quickly with great frustration. Women would “ghost” him after only a few dates, and he never could figure it out. Because of this quick sexuality, Mark felt burdened to be up front about the Herpes. But he was having these discussions way too soon as well. Taking time to get to know each other is crucial. In our fast-paced “volume dating” culture, this can be hard to do and requires great patience. Of course, Mark should disclose his Herpes diagnosis, and he should do so prior to having sex. But we should share health histories and preferred boundaries at the right time. When we both know each other better and have a basis for evaluating if a condition of any kind is worth tolerating for the sake of the relationship.

Explore Marriage Expectations With a Relationship Therapist in Delray Beach, FL

If you are dating and considering marriage, it’s good to ask for help. Learning more about your potential partner early on can save you trouble and hard work and lead the way toward a happy marriage. When treated as a learning experience, the process of discernment may take time, but the payoff can be priceless.

As an experienced relationship therapist in Delray Beach, I would love to help. Call or text me at 561-213-8030 or email me at jdlmhc@gmail.com for a consultation.

Strengthen Your Connection With Premarital Relationship Counseling in Delray Beach

Preparing for marriage is about more than planning the wedding—it’s about building a solid emotional foundation that can withstand life’s challenges. Premarital relationship counseling helps couples identify strengths, address potential conflict areas, and develop the tools needed for a healthy, long-lasting partnership. At my Delray Beach, FL counseling practice, I provide a safe, supportive environment where you and your partner can explore communication styles, expectations, and shared goals before saying “I do.”

Here’s how you can start preparing for a stronger marriage today:

• 1. Begin open, honest conversations about your relationship and shared future. Schedule a consultation to take the first step.
• 2. Learn effective strategies for communication, emotional connection, and conflict resolution with a trusted relationship therapist in Delray Beach, FL.
• 3. Build a partnership rooted in trust, understanding, and mutual growth—before you tie the knot.

Other Services John Davis Counseling Provides in Delray Beach, Florida

Preparing for marriage is just one part of building a healthy, fulfilling relationship. My Delray Beach, FL counseling practice offers a wide range of therapeutic services designed to support your emotional growth and relationship well-being at every stage of life. Whether you’re seeking guidance through relationship therapy, anxiety counseling, or family relationship work, each session is tailored to your unique goals and challenges.

In addition to premarital and relationship therapy, I also work with clients facing trauma recovery, infidelity, addiction, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and mood-related issues. For families, I offer parenting support, grief counseling, and help with ADD/ADHD management.

Every client benefits from an integrative approach using evidence-based methods such as EMDR, CBT, Gestalt, mindfulness, psychodrama, and clinical hypnosis. Together, we can help you create stronger relationships, restore inner balance, and develop the skills needed for long-term emotional resilience. To explore more resources or book a session, visit my counseling blog or contact me directly.

About the Author

John Davis, LMHC, is a seasoned marriage and relationship therapist in Delray Beach, FL, specializing in helping couples and families create lasting emotional connection and trust. With a foundation in child and family therapy, John helps clients understand how early life experiences and communication patterns shape their adult relationships—and how to break unhealthy cycles before marriage or during it.

Using a trauma-informed and personalized approach, John integrates EMDR, CBT, Gestalt therapy, psychodrama, and mindfulness to guide couples toward greater understanding and emotional safety. His work helps partners strengthen intimacy, rebuild trust, and develop the tools for long-term relational success.

As the Executive Director of the Mental Health Counselors’ Association of Palm Beach and a recipient of the Outstanding Community Service Award, John is recognized for his leadership and dedication to mental health and relationship wellness. He’s also been featured as an expert marriage counselor on StayMarriedFlorida.com, where his insights continue to help couples grow together with intention and compassion.