I once heard a rather unkind remark by a well known author suggesting that children should be placed in a state of suspended animation upon reaching puberty and held there until they reached adulthood.  Better to spare parents the insanity that usually accompanies adolescence and make the world a more peaceful place.  Not the first time this dark thread has appeared in the popular culture.  Jonathan Swift wrote in 1729:  “I have been assured by a very knowing American . . . that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.”  He was, of course, writing satirically in his now famous jab at Irish overpopulation, in his famous tract,  “A Modest Proposal”.   Dark humor, indeed. In reality, I’ve met many parents, seeking advice to sort out the pitfalls of raising children, who actually chuckle at this logic/wisdom.  I’ve interviewed families on the brink of madness over issues as seemingly inane as “too long showers” and “addicted to X Box” or “he won’t get up by himself to go to high school classes”.

Can we get some sanity here? Wasn’t there an instruction manual that came with this kid!?!?   Well, not exactly.  But there are some good resources out there that offer some guidelines to more effective parenting and a happier home life with kids.  North Carolina Psychologist John Rosemond, in his excellent book “Teen Proofing” offers robust wisdom honed from raising a large and extended family.  At the outset, Rosemond lays down two important truths:  1.  You can do your very best, and your child will still make poor decisions.  2.  You can make a lot of parenting mistakes and things will still turn out alright.  He maintains a fundamental mind set of “benevolent dictatorship” in the home, setting up an environment that puts parents at the top of the food chain, and encourages the child’s freedom to help set their own limits on things like curfew, spending and friends while backing this up with strong benefits and consequences that befall slackers.  Rosemond insists we be unflinching in making our children uncomfortable for the value of encouraging their problem solving powers.  Quit doing it for them.  He says we should say “NO” about 80% of the time, and “YES” about 20% of the time.  He calls this “Vitamin N”.  Our goal in parenting is to be effective, even if not popular from time to time.  You won’t be liked always by your kid, if you’re being effective.  This, of course, requires that we, as adults, make sure that we are taking extra good care of ourselves, especially emotionally.  Cautious of getting our “connection” needs met by our children, we should be mindful of the need to be “on top of our game” when it comes to raising adolescents.  Nothing less is insanity.  If you or someone you love is struggling to raise a kid right, get in touch with me. 561-213-8030, or drop me a note John@johndaviscounseling.com.