Holding grudges, failing to share business related information, foot dragging, political sabotage and other forms of passive aggression can hurt your company’s bottom line. Every layer of an organization is susceptible to the souring of human relations over past insults and injury. I use a foolproof framework to manage and resolve conflicts quickly. I’ve even given it a somewhat humorous acrostic: CLAN. The “clan” mentality of holding onto ancient grudges and slights whose details have long been forgotten has been the ruination of tribes and families for millenia. Is there “clan” mentality in your organization? Try these simple steps:
C- Check your ego and assess the extent to which you are personally invested in holding onto your thoughts and beliefs about another person or group. The ego is that part of our personality that seeks to impress others, boost our courage and protect us. It is instinctive to “circle our wagons” when we perceive danger or threat. Social scientists have determined that certain areas of our brain, for example, the amygdala, are responsible for scanning our environment for danger, even interpreting the most minute details of facial configurations in order to protect us. And if we’ve been hurt, insulted or maligned by someone in the past, their presence will activate this hyper-vigilant part of our old, “lizard” brain, making it that much harder to bring peace to a troubled relationship. Recognizing when our ego is driving us just makes good business sense.
L- Listen. With all of your heart and mind. Listening is the essential first act of robust human relations and it’s hard to do skillfully in our hyper-busy, revved up culture. But rarely will we really connect to anyone who’s failed to listen when we needed to be heard. In our approach to fostering dialogue with someone who’s been “clannish”, it is helpful to set aside our agenda and priorities, turn off the phone, close the laptop lid and silence the smartphone in order to give that person or group our full attention. Self discipline is vital in “bracketing” our emotions and thoughts in order to zero in on every nuance of another person’s point of view. That is why the cultivated skill of “self observation” is so important to effective leadership. We can sharpen our ability to notice our rising feelings before acting on them. We will often find no need to “act” at all. Noticing and silently naming our internal sensations can give us great leverage when we are at a point of choice when responding to another, especially when the sensation is anger or resentment. The ancient advice of “seek first to understand before being understood” is well taken when we want to heal an old injury to a relationship. Delaying the gratification of having your point of view heard can pay real relational dividends.
A- Admit your part in the trouble, and make amends where possible without doing further harm. This is the central skill of conflict resolution and probably the hardest part. “Mea culpa”, of latin origins, is an expression of “through my fault”. There are important spiritual reasons that this phrase is repeated no less than three times during the Catholic mass of confession. All humans have the capacity for mistake and error, and to confess our part can change the tenor of any meeting in short time. It is the most efficient way to clear the clouded air and get on with imagining the brighter future ahead. I am often astonished how quickly a simple personal admission of error in judgement can change a contentious, long standing quarrel into collaboration and meaningful exchange. “I wasn’t at my best. I spoke harshly. I’m sorry.”
N – Nourish the relationship in new and creative ways. The framework I’ve outlined here is personally and emotionally demanding and worthy of our investment. Often when we’ve been at odds with others, we have little “community” to build on. It may feel that we have nothing in common. That’s why it takes great creativity and vulnerability to start fresh with a commitment to remain close and not closed off. Finding new ways of communication, celebrating our shared optimism and generating new avenues of future collaboration are worth the effort to keep our relationships healthy, resiliant and productive.