A rising chief marketing executive for an international technology firm contacted me. It seems he’d gotten promotions and awards for years, but his momentum had stalled and he was in danger of being passed over. An informal “360 degree” assessment revealed that colleagues complained he didn’t listen. “Every meeting provides a platform for his ego”, one main supplier said. Another direct report found him off-putting. “He always has to be the smartest guy in the room, ” she said, “and when our team succeeds he takes the credit.” The CEO of a partner organization who had clearly had enough just wished he would “grow up”.
A young lawyer (also a mom) sought my help. Healthy, strong, attractive and articulate, she had married a man who, like herself had been married before. They both had children from previous relationships. Their blended family was two years old, and they were suffering. Never happy. Frequent quarrels, pervasive mistrust, punishing language over the heads of children. There were suspicions of infidelity. Both had successful professional careers, and yet, among other complaints there wasn’t enough money for groceries and gas each week.
What’s the common thread? Of course, there’s overlap. In both cases, our main characters were the complainant. In each, there was blindness to both the root and real size of the problem. They were alike because “symptoms” masqueraded as possible causes. (For example, the problem wasn’t disrespectful children. Or colleagues who didn’t get it.) Critically both of these people had long refused to accept their own responsibility for failures they’d been part of.
A lot of unhappy people find me. Of course, that’s the implicit invitation of the “shingle” that I hang: executive coach, counselor, therapist, guide. Having someone to confide in and trust can raise our awareness and bring about wise choices that curtail needless suffering…and facilitate happiness. Pre-requisite? We must see the world as it really is, and not how we wish it to be. And we must see ourselves clearly, including our blind spots and accept our responsibility for change.
Author and consultant Marshall Goldsmith states: “what got you here won’t get you there”, in his similarly titled book. He points out that it’s possible to succeed with certain skills and preferences early in life. At some point you’ve gotta change. Explicitly, he challenges us to look in the mirror and recognize destructive behaviors that hold us back. Great confidence is essential in a new sales career. Arrogance is unforgivable in the executive suite. In marriage, no less. Rugged independence is sexy and attractive at first. As marriage matures, we need the skills of intimacy to learn to depend upon each other.
An ancient Buddhist text, sometimes attributed to Lao Tzu says: “If you want to awaken all of humanity, then awaken all of yourself, if you want to eliminate the suffering in the world, then eliminate all that is dark and negative in yourself. Truly, the greatest gift you have to give is that of your own self-transformation.”